THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY:
"DEADLY SERIOUS BUT FUNNY"
PEARLY GATE JOKES:
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?".
St. Peter answered, "those are lie clocks. Everyone on Earth has a lie clock. every time you lie the hands on your clock will move".
"Oh", said the man, "Whose clock is that ?".
"That's Mother Theresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's George Bush's clock?", asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
GEORGE BUSH GOES TO HEAVEN:
Einstein dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly gates Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
St. Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
St Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein", he says, "Welcome to Heaven."
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again St. Peter asks for his credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
St. Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be. Come on in."
Then St. Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. St. Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours ?"
George W. looks bewildered and say, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
St. Peter sighs and says, "Come in in, George".
YOUR CHOICE OF HELL:
A guy dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter says to the guy, "well, you haven't been a very good person and you're going straight to Hell...but I'll give you a chance between going to capitalist Hell or to communist Hell".
The guy asks, "Well, what's the difference?".
St. Peter says, "Well in capitalist Hell we cut you up into itty bitty pieces and boil you in oil".
The guy says, "That doesn't sound very good. What happens in communist Hell?"
St. Peter says, "In communist hell we cut you up into itty bitty pieces and boil you in oil...but...sometimes we run out of knives and sometimes we run out of oil".