Sunday, March 23, 2008

Speaking of forgotten projects, the last post reminded me of how long it has been since I posted something here from one of my favourite sites, Scary Squirrel World. This morning when carrying the nuts out to my masters at their feeders I saw the elusive grey squirrel from down the alley making a grab for the nuts. One of the usual red squirrels "sat guard" on the power line above. Being either stoned out of his mind (too much nut beer?, smoking the shells ?) or being a complete tard (political incorrectness noted on the part of those who make money off these people) the red squirrel sat there stunned while the grey guy looted the nuts.
But anyhow, it is Easter, and you must hear the horrifying tale of the 'EASTER EGG MASSACRE' .
Every year, reports flood in to scary squirrel world describing thieving skwerls ruining Easter parties around the nation. Take this classic example: at least 10 chitterdemons attacked a children's party in Rochester, New York, making off with plastic eggs filled with candy in full view of frightened onlookers.
The arboreal terrors were driven off, but party host, Ann Wiater observed, "It was such chaos... who wants to eat candy from an egg that's got teeth marks all over it?"
Isolated incidents? Coincidence? Simple opportunism? One might think so. In fact, scary squirrel world once viewed these annual attacks as routine skwerlien harassment. After all, any event or holiday involving outdoor activity invites chitterbox aggression. But why so many attacks on Easter?
Our extensive research found the answer in a centuries old Teutonic practice:
Squirrels are also part of the Easter rites in the Harz mountains of Germany: the people of Braunrode go into the nearest woodland to hunt squirrels "by throwing stones and cudgels, till at last the animals drop exhausted into their hands, dead or alive" (Grimm, Teutonic Mythology, II, p. 616).

There you have it, Patriots. Proof positive that the drooling nutkins are spreading Easter mayhem in retribution for the noble efforts of brave German villagers, fellow Patriots, who dared to resist the chitterbox plan for squirrel world domination...
So, what can be done to prevent these horrendous attacks? Studies show that the traditional methods are ineffective or illegal in these modern times. In fact, many municipalities, where most Easter egg hunts occur, have laws against chucking cudgels (aka whacking stick) and/or shooting at skwerls within city limits .
Additionally, some of today's children are appalled and even traumatized by efforts to keep the bushytail horde in check. However, there are ways to prevent the slavering skwerlballs from making off with Easter eggs. For example, do not hide the eggs until a few minutes before the hunt begins. Even the most well organized skwerlien cadre will have trouble mustering its forces on such short notice and the egg hunt should proceed unmolested by nutzy saboteurs.
Unfortunately, many events can't accommodate the strategy described above. In that case we recommend using the Egg Head Skwerl Trap and/or hiring an Attack Clown to counter skwerlien aggression.

Now, we know what some of you are thinking. You're guessing that there's no such thing as the Egg Head Skwerl Trap (but that doesn't mean there shouldn't be), and you figure the Attack Clown in the video moves to slow to catch a cold let alone a slavering chitterbox. Well, you may be right, but that's not important... What is important is that we find a way to save our Easter egg hunts from the savage onslaught of the bushytail horde. If our ideas seem impractical or outlandish, perhaps you have a better ones.
See Scary Squirrel World for the complete videos associated with this article.

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