Saturday, January 27, 2007
FROM THE SATIRICAL POLITICAL REPORT (SEE OTHER INTERESTING LINKS SECTION):
CITING CHINESE ANTI-SATELLITE TEST, BUSH INVADES SPACE:
In direct response to China's recent and successful test of an anti-satellite system, President Bush today announced a sudden and complete redeployment of all U.S. troops out of Iraq, and into space.
Bush said that the biggest threat faced by the country is now WSD-weapons of space destruction. Consequently the administration is implementing a plan called The New Way Upward.
The President also indicated that he would immediately bring back Donald Rumsfield to head the invasion, since Rumsfield was always considered the in-house space cadet. Bush further explained that "Rumsfield's favourite strategy of 'quick and light' is particularly well suited to a battlefield where there is no gravity."
Bush therefore announced that the tours of all active duty forces would be extended to three light years, to accommodate the long travel involved. In addition, due to the shortage of military resources caused by the lengthy war in Iraq, all U.S. space troops will be required to purchase their own heat shields.
To try to scare up public support for this venture, Bush has dispatched Vice President Cheney to the Sunday morning talk show circuit, to claim that in 2001, the Chinese had met with Mohammed Atta on the third ring of Saturn. Tim Russert did his damnedest to challenge Cheney's account, but could only extract a promise from the VEEP not to attack Buffalo.
Critics of the President point out that the Bush administration, prodded by the neo-moons, itself caused this arms race by refusing to negotiate a treaty regulating the weaponization of space. There is also speculation that Bush's true motive is to prevent the Chinese from shooting down the FOX NEWS satellite, which accounts for the 19% of "Cling-ons" who mysteriously still support the Administration.
To express their outrage over this latest belligerency, the Democratic Leadership is seeking a non-binding resolution that suggests Bush watch all episodes of Star Trek, in order to develop a healthy respect for outer space.
However, Ted Kennedy plans to introduce more ambitious legislation to "boldly send Bush where no man has gone before".