HUMOUR:

RETURN TO SCARY SQUIRREL WORLD:

Speaking of forgotten projects, the last post reminded me of how long it has been since I posted something here from one of my favourite sites, Scary Squirrel World. This morning when carrying the nuts out to my masters at their feeders I saw the elusive grey squirrel from down the alley making a grab for the nuts. One of the usual red squirrels "sat guard" on the power line above. Being either stoned out of his mind (too much nut beer?, smoking the shells ?) or being a complete tard (political incorrectness noted on the part of those who make money off these people) the red squirrel sat there stunned while the grey guy looted the nuts.

But anyhow, it is Easter, and you must hear the horrifying tale of the 'EASTER EGG MASSACRE' .

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EASTER EGG MASSACRE
Every year, reports flood in to scary squirrel world describing thieving skwerls ruining Easter parties around the nation. Take this classic example: at least 10 chitterdemons attacked a children's party in Rochester, New York, making off with plastic eggs filled with candy in full view of frightened onlookers.

The arboreal terrors were driven off, but party host, Ann Wiater observed, "It was such chaos... who wants to eat candy from an egg that's got teeth marks all over it?"

Isolated incidents? Coincidence? Simple opportunism? One might think so. In fact, scary squirrel world once viewed these annual attacks as routine skwerlien harassment. After all, any event or holiday involving outdoor activity invites chitterbox aggression. But why so many attacks on Easter?

Our extensive research found the answer in a centuries old Teutonic practice:
Squirrels are also part of the Easter rites in the Harz mountains of Germany: the people of Braunrode go into the nearest woodland to hunt squirrels "by throwing stones and cudgels, till at last the animals drop exhausted into their hands, dead or alive" (Grimm, Teutonic Mythology, II, p. 616).

There you have it, Patriots. Proof positive that the drooling nutkins are spreading Easter mayhem in retribution for the noble efforts of brave German villagers, fellow Patriots, who dared to resist the chitterbox plan for squirrel world domination...

So, what can be done to prevent these horrendous attacks? Studies show that the traditional methods are ineffective or illegal in these modern times. In fact, many municipalities, where most Easter egg hunts occur, have laws against chucking cudgels (aka whacking stick) and/or shooting at skwerls within city limits .

Additionally, some of today's children are appalled and even traumatized by efforts to keep the bushytail horde in check. However, there are ways to prevent the slavering skwerlballs from making off with Easter eggs. For example, do not hide the eggs until a few minutes before the hunt begins. Even the most well organized skwerlien cadre will have trouble mustering its forces on such short notice and the egg hunt should proceed unmolested by nutzy saboteurs.

Unfortunately, many events can't accommodate the strategy described above. In that case we recommend using the Egg Head Skwerl Trap and/or hiring an Attack Clown to counter skwerlien aggression.

Now, we know what some of you are thinking. You're guessing that there's no such thing as the Egg Head Skwerl Trap (but that doesn't mean there shouldn't be), and you figure the Attack Clown in the video moves to slow to catch a cold let alone a slavering chitterbox. Well, you may be right, but that's not important... What is important is that we find a way to save our Easter egg hunts from the savage onslaught of the bushytail horde. If our ideas seem impractical or outlandish, perhaps you have a better ones.

See Scary Squirrel World for the complete videos associated with this article.

FROM SCARY SQUIRREL WORLD:

THE LATEST NEWS:

It's been a little while since Molly has cruised over to Scary Squirrel World, the ultimate source for the only conspiracy theory that makes any sense. To make up for this here is the latest on the Skwrerll conspiracy to take over the world:

FURY IN FLORIDA:

"SQUIRREL ATTACKS SHOPPERS:

Monday, may 14th, 2007, 11:20:08 PM

It was a crazy scene in Port Saint John, Brevard County, Florida after a squirrel went on the attack. Folks at a Port St. John pharmacy say the squirrel was on a woman's leg and would not let go. It stayed on her as she walked into the store and a man inside tried to swat it off her. That is when the squirrel attacked him. Then another woman tried to help but was attacked so severely by the animal that she had to go to the hospital.

Carroll Williams witnessed the attack, she said,"It was on her leg. Bit her leg. it was on her back, scratched her back. Scratched her on one of her arms. I was scared, glad it didn't jump on me. I've never seen one act like that before."

Store employees were able to corral the squirrel into a basket and built a barricade out of soda boxes until animal control officers were able to take it away. Animal control officers on the scene say they are not sure why the squirrel attacked."

Scary Squirrel World goes on to comment,

"Patriots, it's hardly a surprise that the animal control officers at the scene claimed they didn't know why the shwerl attacked. But could it be that their ignorance was feigned ? After all, aren't they supposed to be experts in animal control and behavior ? Might it not be that these "officials" are really minions of squirrel world domination who spirited the slavering nutzy bravo away before it could be interrogated ?

And what secret(s) are they keeping in the cage they hauled off to who knows where ? Well, we say it's no coincidence that the Kennedy Space Center is just a few short minutes away..."

NEW FROM SCARY SQUIRREL WORLD (ONE OF THE GREATEST SITES IN THE INTERNET WORLD):

Scary Squirrel World has made available a selection of e-postcards that you can send off this upcoming St. Patrick's Day (March 17th). Go on over to the site for a little Irish fun.

Molly

NEW FROM SCARY SQUIRREL WORLD:

A four year old girl was attacked by a "skquirrel" at the Mountain View Cuesta Park last Thursday (Feb 15th). The "Skqirrel" stole a bag of " Sun Chips" from the girl and "scratched her face"when the idiot yard ape resisted. Apparently while a ranger was droning on about animal behavior the evil squirrel made a bite on the child's face and afterwards went back to the chips. Ooops ! The yard ape was given a tetanus shot later. The above has been provided to you by Scary Squirrel World, the ultimate in conspiracy theories.

Molly

NEWS FROM SCARY SQUIRREL WORLD:
The ever expanding critique of the dialectical, post modernist praxis that aims to supersede all previous critique of the WCI- the Workers Comedic International brings you this latest bulletin from the masterful theoreticians at Scary Squirrel World( http://www.scarysquirrel.org ). As good post leftists the comrades at Scary Squirrel deny all connections with any previous material in other communiques and indeed deny that they mean anything they say. If anyone tries to pin them it must have been the other guy who said it. But anyways, here is something from SSW, people who know they're being funny:
WHERE DO SKWERLS COME FROM ?????
Patriots, do you ever wonder where skwerls come from ? Hard to believe, many people do not. Some compare their disinterest to wondering where super-conqueror-President Bush gets his swell ideas; it's enough that he has ideas.
But every Patriot understands the need to know the enemy, and chitterbox origins is an important part of that knowledge.
WHAT THE "EXPERTS" SAY...
Science tells us that the bushytail horde evolved out of the primeval ooze beginning with Paramys in the late Paleocene (about 55 million years ago). Paramys sported a mostly squirrel-like skeleton but without the arboreal adaptions. It also had a primitive jaw musculature which modern squirrels still retain.
The first critter we would recognize as a skwerl was Protosciurus . It had the unique ear structure of modern squirrels and looked little different than today's slavering, over-agitated, arboreal nutzys. The first fossilized Protosciurus bones were found in North America and date to the early Oligocene (23-37 million years ago). Thus, experts theorize that skwerls originated in North America, possibly in the Pacific Northwest. From there, they spread around the world culminating in a frenzied gambol into South America about 3-4 million years ago.
Sciurus, the modern squirrel genus, arose in the Miocene and has not changed since then. Among the rodents squirrels are considered living fossils.
THE PROBLEM...
Scientific theory on the drooling nutcrunchers origins is all well and good. It paints a historical picture of the spread of skwerlian debauchery around the globe. However, it fails to identify who or what is responsible for the bushytail horde. Consider this: the so-called experts are mute on what proceeded pre-protoskwerlian Paramys . They'de have us believe that it simply "evolved" from some other pre-protoskwerlian skwerlian.
More significantly, Paramys happened upon the scene in the Paleocene and Protosciurus during the Oligocene...but there appears to be no evidence of any skwerlian anywhere during the intervening time period, the Eocene. This strongly suggests that someone or something pulled Paramys from the market, came up with a better model, and released it back into the environment an epoch later. Thus, the evidence indicates that skwerls are the result of an Intelligent Designer with an intelligent design.
THE WHO AND THE WHAT...
Of course the design, or plan if you will, is no mystery. Every patriot knows it as the bushytail horde's plan for squirrel world domination. This nefarious plan was set in motion eons ago. It's historically seen in the sudden appearance of modern skwerls and their systematic rampage around the world using global shifts in land masses as platforms for conquest. Squirrel world domination is evidenced today by the maniacal skwerlballs' continuous attacks on the people, places and things important to human civilization. Unfortunately, defining who or what is responsible for unleashing the skwerlian menace in the first place remains a matter of conjecture. Currently, there are three competing theories. They are:
The Natural Theory: using "why ask why" reasoning, some simply believe that skwerls evolved as the evolutionary theorists suggest. In other words, they crawled out of the ooze with the rest of us and who cares where the ooze came from. A variation of this theory suggests that skwerls grow on trees and/or metamorph from some innocuous life form.
The Preternatural Theory: supporters of this theory think that skwerls are alien life forms from outer space. The theory solves the problem of how nutsys got to Earth, but not necessarily where they came from in the first place. Preternatural theory is very popular with the unfortunate victims of skwerlian abductions. Some claim that their chitterbox abductors imprisoned them in a giant tree on the far side of the Sun. NASA has been unable to confirm this.
The Supernatural Theory: a belief favoured by pathetic skwerlhuggers and espoused by the heresy of Orthodox Skwerlhugery. It claims that there is a mystical, immortal Nice Squirrel: The Nice Squirrel Planted the Tree of Delicious Nuts; and skwerls sprang forth from the Tree. The Tree supposedly grows in the Pacific Northwest where it is guarded by the immense Skwerlfoot. It should also be noted that common citizens often say that a benevolent non-skwerl deity is responsible, and Patriots frequently blame it all on a non-skwerl Devil.
Go to Scary Squirrel World for much more on this ultimate conspiracy theory. Read it in the light of so many other American toxic cultural exports, from fundamentalism to academic gobbledegoop, to primitivism, to post-leftism, to new age religion to neo-conservativism. All of these post- industrial wastes share one thing. They don't realize they're being funny. Scary Squirrel World knows it.
Much Fun,
Molly

MORE FOUND TREASURES IN OUR LINKS SECTION:
(OR AS CARL SAGAN WOULD SAY, "A SELECTION FROM BILLIONS AND BILLIONS)
Molly has just added yet more links to her blog. Under the general Links section there is the Institute for Anarchist Studies (http://www.anarchist-studies.org ), and under the Scientific Links section there is the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (http://www.ipcc.ch ), an UN site with a wealth of information on climate change and New Scientist magazine (http://www.newscientist.com ). Also under Scientific Links is a text called 'Evolution's Arrow' (http://users.tpg.com.au/users/jes999/index.htm ). A little "truth in advertising" in terms of the last. The author may see, "the direction(of evolution) is towards unification and cooperation over greater and greater scales" . Yet he is still very much a governmentalist who sees government as a progressive institution that has no chance of being superseded.
Then there are 3 Australian blogs that I have added to the Blogs section, Aketus Blog (http://aketus.anarchobase.com ), Anarcho-Din (http://anarcho-din.anarchobase.com ) and Slackbastard Anarchist Blog (http://slackbastard.anarchobase.com ). There are also two items under the 'Other Interesting Links' section. One is the (take a deep breath) 'International Union of Food, Agricultural, Hotel, Restaurant, Catering, Tobacco and Allied Workers Associations', listed as the IUF (http://www.iuf.org ). They are a source of international labour solidarity campaigns. In this case one word serves for 13 in the title.
Finally there is 'Scary Squirrel World' (http://scarysquirrel.org) , a great source for humour. Look for more items from this source.
Molly